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no need to live in the past. you have a future to look forward to.

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i’ve been living in the past, but i didn’t quite understand it.

i created this trap with all of my regrets and pains. it’s as if it was a burden that weighs me down. don’t get me wrong, the mistakes help me become who i am today, but i also hate myself for each and every time i screw up something meaningful to me. i feared it that it’s the end of it all. i didn’t want anything new or too different really, just achieve my handful of goals and thrive.

i can’t change the past. but i have a future to look forward to. i could end up making some more mistakes, but that’s okay. it might only get harder, but if you want something so badly, you’ll discipline yourself enough. there’s moments where i work and barely sleep to times like now where i want to let my heart out, but i need to trust time as time supported me before. the future is all you got for improvement. no need to carry any more pain from the past.

superstitions: yellow ladybug

i blurred my hand to remove your attention from my unsightly hairs. wish i had another photo!

i blurred my hand to remove your attention from my unsightly hairs. wish i had another photo!

i never knew, nor have i seen a ladybug in yellow before. it caught my attention yesterday morning while pondering at the seats by the flatiron building.

this little creature emerged briefly onto the top side of the mesh table and vanished into the underside again.

it happened so quickly, i questioned if i was hallucinating. there’s no way this is real. i spent a couple of minutes examining all around the table. i didn’t give up one bit! i don’t know where it was hiding, but it reappeared on that same spot. wild.

lately, i’ve been a sucker for superstition. my wish/dream/goal has remained unchanged for the past year-and-a-half and it’s stronger than anything i’ve ever wanted. i know that i have no control over things like that, so if this brings good luck, you bet i’d take advantage of this! i calmly introduced my open palm toward this spotted wonder and it walked along my finger! i made a wish and it went off. that rare-ass beautiful punk flew away mid-wish. i was the aggressor here though. i guess i deserved that.

i looked up if their was any significance of these particular bugs and there were too many that i made my own personal belief behind it. i wonder if it will come true. i’d really like it too.

silly me, my feelings are valid

just another corner for most, but it’s a super important corner for me. one of my favorite moments ever

just another corner for most, but it’s a super important corner for me. one of my favorite moments ever

i don’t think it has ever sunk in until now. it’s so embarrassing and enlightening at the same time. 

i have such familiarity with this term, but i never thought it through. these hopes i have come with great intention and respect. if i lay them out for others, there’s no point to wonder why you feel a certain way. that alone is the important truth.

for the some time, i felt like like these feelings are misunderstood. or i’m doing this entirely wrong. sometimes i’ll pass it to others and i’m corrected. in this day and age, we have a whole database of the meanings of how we feel. i’ve never been wrong about it, and neither has anyone been wrong about theirs. i’m sure there is room to discover more about these feelings, but to say it’s incorrect or mistaken is truly unfair. i’ve suffered too many years accepting a lesser version of myself. sure, it doesn’t mean that i’m instantly happier, but i now have something to look forward to.

this reminds me of very familiar songs i’ve never taken the time to fully comprehend, when i was much younger. i’d sing along in my head and purely focus on the melodies and sounds, but i’ve been so naive to miss out the message within the lyrics. when i did and understood how beautiful the words are, i just lose it. i wonder if it’s just feelings i could not relate to back then. it probably just another example of acquiring more knowledge. 

these past few years feels like an explosion of realizations and deeper understanding. i’m living with the love i’ve never understood. the kind i’ve tossed or questioned or feared. i’m also living knowing that i’m just as human as everyone else. i feel silly knowing that subhuman is a term that exists, but that’s where i’ve been for a much longer time.

here i am in complete isolation. still learning. still trying. still failing. fortunately, the last bit of hope remains. the norms do not matter nor does time. i still have fear, but only for my burning desires. i’ve never been ‘normal’. no one really is if one imagines it. don’t let that disrupt you and trust yourself a little more. maybe you won’t achieve it and die dreaming. but hey, at least you wanted it until your last breath.

what i’m feeling is genuine and that’s a good thing.

left,right?

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write with your left

taught from a right

get yelled for being different

and settle with the right?

what is innate has never left

but remained with confusion

while handedness change for every task

comfort doesn’t lean to a single side

lessons remind me this applies elsewhere

the right is common and likely unaware

those that’s left are outsiders but mindful

i am neither always right

nor have I completely left

i am not the middle

but a combination of preferences

respect is needed in society

while concealing the pain is more welcome 

when will we be real enough?

and accept these differences

we are all just students of our own lives

lack of thought kept me right

but some form of pride encouraged me

to write with the left again

at the end of the day

it’s not nearly as neat 

but it smiles back at me


my father pressured me to be right-handed. i still wouldn’t forget how much it upset me. i didn’t understand why this was necessary. i often would like to know the reason to things, and his answers didn’t make much sense. i was too young to understand, but so was society with the lack of left-handed desks during my dad’s time in secondary school. that was his reason.

he screamed at me because of the insane appearance of writing backwards, or in a mirrored view. i always thought that act meant i was a righty that was just stupid. it wasn’t after years of just swapping my handedness in sports or daily activities that caused me to wonder. it was also pretty odd that my left arm was a tad bigger and in form while i had to readjust the posture of my right shoulder blade regularly. i looked it up while retraining myself to write with my left again some time ago. i felt like i had some closure when i read about the troubles of left handed writers and i had the same-ass ‘symptoms’.

it’s somewhat domineering to be taught in that, “if you don’t do this, you’ll suffer” sort of way. there was a number of things my dad said that was out of hand. but as time passed, somehow he became much more understanding of it all. he had apologized to me about these things and i shrugged it off because i wasn’t wanting an apology. i know my dad wouldn’t mean any harm. however, it was fulfilling when he did apologize about switching me to writing with my right hand. i wonder if that’s a challenge young fathers face (being too controlling, not handedness), because i learned a lot from his experiences. i hope i just don’t forget that feeling if i’m lucky enough to be a father.

this comparison is a rudimentary example of a majority and minority mindset. the ones who fall to the minority feels more challenged and away from the rest. i’ve been an outsider in so many ways. this alienation to some extent has been a big theme in my life, and i find myself thinking back to see if it can guide me.

patience is a virtue, and it’s excruciating

even with the slightest amount of saturation, you can visualize any place at it’s brightest and best

even with the slightest amount of saturation, you can visualize any place at it’s brightest and best

often i’ll reflect and wonder if i am truly patient, or i’m just told that i’m a patient person when i’m truly impatient inside. 

are there people out there who gets turned down again and again, but shrugs it off? is it like me, where we internalize it and have this everlasting belief that it’s bound to happen someday? it’s probably a multitude of things.

sometimes this patience thing feels like a test from the immortal. it’s often throwing out these challenges and reminding me,

“how badly do you want this? if you could wait longer than anyone else, you’ll be worthy of it”

so i do. it’s not like i just sit there and believe things just magically appear. moves are made. in some instances, it only feels right to take action after a longer period of time. or i’m preparing when something i’ve been thinking about finally floats to the service, i’ll be able to use my one opportunity with a slightly higher rate of success.

the worst part? when you wait so long and strike, only to fall short just as the opportunity arises. i think we’ve all been there. i keep going on this route in matters where others move on. sometimes i get lost in it all. other times, i’m just thinking about the what-if’s and the why’s. why did it not work? what if i trusted my gut, and not what others tell me? i wonder: should follow the rest of society? would my preferred route be ‘the wrong way’ for my own future?

i’ve figured out that it doesn’t make a difference. it’s still an everyday struggle. the way i want to go is just as valid as the suggestions given to me. i’ll stick with my heart, and if it fails me, that’s how it should end, right? that’s where the phrase heart failure comes from.

i may end up struggling more than taking new advice and that’s okay. we all operate at different paces. i realize you just need to discover it for yourself and create value in these beliefs and decisions.

if i do end up being a failure and drop dead, at least i stayed true to my ultimate dreams until the end. i have this weird feeling that the moments before we completely expire, we’ll experience the sensations of all we wanted, as if we experienced it. it’s a pretty grim thought. hopefully it serves as motivation so i can see this dream in reality.