often i’ll reflect and wonder if i am truly patient, or i’m just told that i’m a patient person when i’m truly impatient inside.
are there people out there who gets turned down again and again, but shrugs it off? is it like me, where we internalize it and have this everlasting belief that it’s bound to happen someday? it’s probably a multitude of things.
sometimes this patience thing feels like a test from the immortal. it’s often throwing out these challenges and reminding me,
“how badly do you want this? if you could wait longer than anyone else, you’ll be worthy of it”
so i do. it’s not like i just sit there and believe things just magically appear. moves are made. in some instances, it only feels right to take action after a longer period of time. or i’m preparing when something i’ve been thinking about finally floats to the service, i’ll be able to use my one opportunity with a slightly higher rate of success.
the worst part? when you wait so long and strike, only to fall short just as the opportunity arises. i think we’ve all been there. i keep going on this route in matters where others move on. sometimes i get lost in it all. other times, i’m just thinking about the what-if’s and the why’s. why did it not work? what if i trusted my gut, and not what others tell me? i wonder: should follow the rest of society? would my preferred route be ‘the wrong way’ for my own future?
i’ve figured out that it doesn’t make a difference. it’s still an everyday struggle. the way i want to go is just as valid as the suggestions given to me. i’ll stick with my heart, and if it fails me, that’s how it should end, right? that’s where the phrase heart failure comes from.
i may end up struggling more than taking new advice and that’s okay. we all operate at different paces. i realize you just need to discover it for yourself and create value in these beliefs and decisions.
if i do end up being a failure and drop dead, at least i stayed true to my ultimate dreams until the end. i have this weird feeling that the moments before we completely expire, we’ll experience the sensations of all we wanted, as if we experienced it. it’s a pretty grim thought. hopefully it serves as motivation so i can see this dream in reality.