i don’t think it has ever sunk in until now. it’s so embarrassing and enlightening at the same time.
i have such familiarity with this term, but i never thought it through. these hopes i have come with great intention and respect. if i lay them out for others, there’s no point to wonder why you feel a certain way. that alone is the important truth.
for the some time, i felt like like these feelings are misunderstood. or i’m doing this entirely wrong. sometimes i’ll pass it to others and i’m corrected. in this day and age, we have a whole database of the meanings of how we feel. i’ve never been wrong about it, and neither has anyone been wrong about theirs. i’m sure there is room to discover more about these feelings, but to say it’s incorrect or mistaken is truly unfair. i’ve suffered too many years accepting a lesser version of myself. sure, it doesn’t mean that i’m instantly happier, but i now have something to look forward to.
this reminds me of very familiar songs i’ve never taken the time to fully comprehend, when i was much younger. i’d sing along in my head and purely focus on the melodies and sounds, but i’ve been so naive to miss out the message within the lyrics. when i did and understood how beautiful the words are, i just lose it. i wonder if it’s just feelings i could not relate to back then. it probably just another example of acquiring more knowledge.
these past few years feels like an explosion of realizations and deeper understanding. i’m living with the love i’ve never understood. the kind i’ve tossed or questioned or feared. i’m also living knowing that i’m just as human as everyone else. i feel silly knowing that subhuman is a term that exists, but that’s where i’ve been for a much longer time.
here i am in complete isolation. still learning. still trying. still failing. fortunately, the last bit of hope remains. the norms do not matter nor does time. i still have fear, but only for my burning desires. i’ve never been ‘normal’. no one really is if one imagines it. don’t let that disrupt you and trust yourself a little more. maybe you won’t achieve it and die dreaming. but hey, at least you wanted it until your last breath.
what i’m feeling is genuine and that’s a good thing.